And Now, the Pride Top Ten
Bill Burleson
I, for one, love getting my information in easy to digest lists. They are so much easier for people like me with the attention span of a cocker spaniel. So here are seven highly subjective Pride Festival top ten lists:
Top ten reasons to go:
10. To buy a new T-shirt
9. To take off your T-shirt and show off your abs/ beer belly (depending)
8. To wear your kilt for the first time in a year
7. A chance to make new friends
6. To see old friends
5. To torment an ex by showing off your new beau
4. To get a new beau
3. To get free stuff
2. To discover organizations you’ve never heard of
1. Naked Minnesota
Top ten reasons to not go:
10. The parking
9. Too crowded
8. Too radical (if you’re Republican)
7. Too mainstream (if you’re a radical)
6. Because you’re angry at the Pride committee for some damned reason
5. Too many cell phones
4. Feel the Pride Festival is SO ‘90s
3. This year your ex’s have banded together and got a fair booth
2. In the closet, and sure as hell someone’s going to see you there
1. Got kicked out of Naked Minnesota for leering, and too embarrassed to be seen
Top ten itty bitty non-profit booths to visit:
10. BIG: Boy’s Into Gardening
9. District 202
8. Rural AIDS Action Network
7. OLOC: Old Lesbians Organized for Change
6. The Polyamory Group
7. Those two women selling Mary Kay a few years back (OK, that’s for-profit, but still, you’ve got to love it.)
6. Bisexual Organizing Project
5. GLASS: Gay and Lesbian Amateur Sports Society (shirtless guys playing volleyball!)
4. PFLAG: Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
3. Minnesota AIDS Project
2. Mirth and Girth
1. Naked Minnesota
Top ten names of groups that don’t exist but should:
10. GAG: Gay Artist Group
9. LWHA: Lesbians Who Hate Art (preferably the tent next to GAG)
8. BHSGWDWD: Big Hairy Sweaty Guys Who Didn’t Wear Deodorant
7. QRHSCSBPO: Queer Red-Headed Step-Children Sick of Being Picked On
6. GRFC: Gay Republicans for Castro
5. LISA: Living in Shame Anonymous
4. FRG: Furries for Rudy Giuliani
3. FSB: Fisters for Sam Brownback
2. WDYM: Well-Disciplined Young Men
1. Naked Minnesota Auxiliary
Top ten places to watch men:
10. 8th and Hennepin
9. 4th and Hennepin
8. On the bridge in the park
7. At the Mirth and Girth booth
6. From one of the Wilderness Inquiry canoes
5. The 19
4. The back room at the 90’s
3. The Walker Art Center restaurant
2. In front of the Atons booth
1. In the back of the Naked Minnesota tent
Top ten parade contingents:
10. Dykes on Bikes
9. Bi’s on Trikes
8. Scott and his bagpipe
7. Drag queens on a flatbed truck (you pick which)
6. Ikea (crass commercialism, but still)
5. The guys with the huge flag collecting coins for something
4. The Men’s Center monster truck
3. That giant vulva from a couple years ago
2. PFLAG
1. The guys in the barrels…who are they again?
Top ten people I only see at Pride:
10. John
9. Tom
8. Kim
7. The wrestling coach from high school
6. Jerry
5. Roland
4. The guy with the dyed pink Dalmatian
3. Patrick Scully
2. That big, hairy hunk in a kilt
1. A man in a barrel
Happy Pride!
Visit www.forwhomthebilltolls.org to read past columns or to contact me.